| So, I spent last weekend with my ex. I went out to Stony Brook on Friday and came back Saturday so I could babysit Sat. night. Then as I was getting ready to leave to said babysitting job, he came online and I realized something. There wasn't one person in this world who I wanted to spend the New Year with. I was so looking foward to the holidays when we were dating and those thoughts never left my mind. So I asked. He had no plans. I expressed my interest in wanting to go back out there. He said ok. I went back on Sunday morning and came back Monday night. We spent almost every waking minute in his room. Watching Scrubs, comedy, movies I had never seen, and doing various other things I shouldn't have done with him. It felt so great to be with him again.. even if he already told me there is no hope for a second chance (my words, not his!). I couldn't help myself. My head told me no. Don't do it. You'll get hurt. My heart said just go. You'll feel better if just for that moment. The moment is all that matters. In a sense, that is true. I can no longer say to myself, "next time will be better" cuz there may not be a next time. I know he won't change his mind. He broke up with me because I'm not Egyptian. His family would never, ever accept me. I can't change that. I can't hope he'll change his mind, remember the fact that he loved me so much.. a fact he's pushed so far back into his mind, it'll take a miracle to get him to feel it completly again. That's logic. My heart keeps saying something different. Which is dangerous. My heart wants to show him. Show him what he lost. Show him I still love him, even though we talked about that already. I told him how I feel. I know he still cares about me because of the way he looks at me, talks to me, touches me, kisses me, calls me pet names and more importantly realizes AND acknowledging when I'm upset and talks to me about it.--------------why me?--------------
I'm going back out to Stony Brook in 2 weeks.. granted he doesn't change his mind.
Why is this so hard? | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment   |
| So.
Dealing with another failed relationship...
This one hurt more though. Didn't see the end. Just fell right off the cliff.. well, more like pushed off the cliff.
This was supposed to be "the one". Marriage, kids, house, the whole 9.
Nope.
Not for me.
Was completely in love. Now, all I feel is pain.
He called the day before Thanksgiving. He told me, "I don't see a future with you anymore". Now, not only was my Thanksgiving ruined (and that entire weekend, that I was supposed to be spending with him), but now I will spend the holidays alone.
On a much brighter note...
I had this friend 15 years ago.
2 weeks ago, he finds me in school and approaches me.
We picked up right where we left off.
Feels like no time has passed.
The laughter feels good. I need it now more than ever.
He makes me forget the hurt.
I think I might have a new, yet old, great friend.
Thank you, E. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| It's hard as fuck.
I shouldn't have shut out my feelings in the beginning of our end. I would've been done with it. Or would I?
I've said it before and I'll say it again, logically I know we did what was for the best. My heart bleeds a different story.
<3
I still love you, stinky.
<3 | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I miss you. I miss your touch. I miss your smiles. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss you sleeping next to me. I miss hanging out, watching tv w/ you. I even miss our fights. Cuz, I was with you. Now I'm alone. There are happy times, and times I just wish I could call you and talk to you like I used to. You were my best friend. I feel like that's lost. Part of me knows we did the right thing. Part of me misses you so much, I wish we never broke up. If I had the chance, I don't know if I would do it the same way all over again. Part of me is mierable without you. Sometimes I get so down knowing we're never going to be the same. I miss not having you here. I miss you not being mine.
ugh. This sucks. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| August 27, 2002- January 22, 2006
It's over.
I can't lie and say I'm happy. I also can't lie and say I'm sad.
It's so weird. Not to long ago I thought my life was going to be over, or the sky was going to come crashing down on me if you were to ever leave me...
But, I'm ok.
I never thought I was strong enough to tell you, "I'm not happy".
But I was.
I never thought I was going to be able to handle not having a future with you.
But I can.
It's only been a day. Only time will tell if I can really bare you not being my boyfriend; my other half.
Expect me to still care for you.
Expect me to still love you.
Because I always will.
The times we shared will never leave my heart.
You will always hold a special place in my heart.
I need to thank you.
You gave me the best three and a half years of my life.
You showed me how to act, and how not to act with someone else.
You helped me from a 19 year old kid, to become a 22 year old woman.
Thank you.
I Love You. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Feel Good Inc | | Subject: | Peah Blossom | | Time: | 02:06 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/mice/sleepy.gif) calm |
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| I haven't updated in so long.
I have nothing to say.... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | ha ha | | Time: | 01:48 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/mice/happy.gif) amused |
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| | You Have a Sanguine Temperament | 
You are an optimistic person who is easily content.
You enjoy casual, light tasks - never wanting to delve too deep into anything.
A bit fickle, it's easy for you to change plans or paths when presented with something better.
You enjoy all of the great things life has to offer - food, friends, and fun.
A great talker, you can keep the conversation going for hours.
You are optimistic and sure of your success. If you fail, you don't worry about it too much.
At your worst, you are vain. You are obsessed with your own attractiveness.
A horrible flirt, you tend to jump into love affairs and relationship drama easily.
You're very jealous - which just magnifies the craziness around you. |
| | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | American Eats on the History Channel...How Appropriate? | | Subject: | Yesssss... | | Time: | 11:07 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/mice/bouncy.gif) excited |
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| HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey turkey
TURKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| One upon a time there was a little toy.
No one had played with the toy in a long time.
Just when the toy felt no one would ever play again, a boy came along and picked the toy up.
The little boy thought the toy was great.
He took the toy home.
He had so much fun!
The boy went everywhere with the toy.
The toy was so happy.
Someone loved the toy again!
The boy and the toy had loads of fun.
The toy thought it would last forever.
Until, one day the boy had to go away for a while.
The toy was so sad.
But.. no one heard the toy...
"Don't go!"
"Who will be my friend?"
"Who will love me and play with me?"
No one heard...
The boy was gone.
He left the toy on the top shelf.
The door to the boys room was closed.
The toy was alone again.
A tear.
In the dark.
A tear.
In the morning.
A tear.
The phone rang.
The boy was coming home!
Almost a year had passed!
The toy was still sad.
The toy was a little bruised.
A little broken.
A lot of love had passed the toy by in these past months.
The toy was mad.
The toy knew the boy had gotten new toys.
He had loved his newest toy.
The toy didn't even want the boy to come back.
But he did.
When the boy held the toy...
Hugged the toy...
Spoke to the toy..
So warm...
So safe..
The toy remembered.
Remembered what it was like to be loved.
The toy longed for the boy's love once again.
It was fun again.
The boy was a bit older
but he still loved his little toy.
Now, the time has come...
The boy is another year older.
He is getting ready to move again.
This time, it's for longer.
The toy is scared.
The toy doesn't want the fun to end.
The toy hoped against hope that the boy would take the toy along for his journey through life.
The boy never thought of the toy like that...
Now, the toy waits.
Waits for the day the boy leaves.
Waits...
Waits to meet the garbage man. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Holy mother of pearl! What in the hell happened?!? I'll tell you the way I saw it:
I ran in to nudge you (you have this FUCKING habit of walking faster then me into this fucking bar ALL THE TIME! I get the hint, you don't want any nasty fat white girls to know you're w/ me.) yeah, that turned into more of a hit, sure. It was purley circumstantial that two of these said white girls walked by (which you ADMIT YOU WERE LOOKING AT!). This is the question I was PLANNING TO ASK YOU: 'Why can't we ever walk into this place like that?' *Points to friends holding hands... arms, whatever.* Instead you double back on me and yell at me. Not only did this leave me confused as all hell, but EMBARRASSED!! And hurt, cuz you fucking yelled at me for no reason (or that's how I saw it at the time). I say I'm just gonna stand out here then. You say, fine you stand there, and leave me ON THE STREET AT 11:30 AT NIGHT. I had to cry, so I held it in til I got back to my car.
You left me sitting there for a half hour before you even attemped to contact me. Did you offer to come out and talk to me? No. Instead you spoke to me like a piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe that just won't come off. To add insult to injury, not only where said friends there, but there were nothing but other girls screaming in the fucking background. You didn't even have the fucking respect for me to even just go outside to speak to me for a minute? You give me sarcasm. You don't mean the "sorry". And when I stupidly return to the bar after 45 mins of crying, you try to be all fucking cute (in front of everyone... again).
I didn't want you to "worship me" as you put it... so fucking well. I wanted the respect from you to have a private conversation... didn't get that. I wanted to be able to tell you what actually happened.. hardly got that, YOU WERE IN A BAR AND COULD HARDLY HEAR ME!!
And, yes, I am fucking pissed you were looking at someone else outside. Is that why you yelled at me? Guilty conscience? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | F:*(K | | Time: | 09:41 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/mice/sad.gif) guilty |
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| Today sucks...
I found out that I am not going to Bermuda. The plans just fell through w/ the family I was supposed to go with.
On top of that, I've come to the conclusion that I am a horrible girlfriend. I don't trust the person I claim to love so dearly. I try, I really do. Trust is just the one thing that is the hardest to come by w/ me. The problem is, is that we've spoken about this so many times, I can't even recall every time.
I go on these rants that I think something is going on behind my back, and sometimes they can last a long while. Sometimes I can address the situation right there, but that's hardly ever. I find letting it fester better. God, I feel like such a moron.
I can admit when I'm wrong, or when I've over reacted. The bad thing w. that is I find myself apologizing so much, that I fear that, my apologies will soon mean nothing.
I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him because of my behavior.
What the hell am I to do? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm going to Bermuda.... EEEeEeeEeEeEEEEeEEEEEEE!!!!
More Info to come later. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!! WOOOO!
HAPPY BIRFDAY TOOO MEEEE!
HAPPY BIRFDAY TOOO MEEEE!
HAPPY BIRFDAY TOOO MEEEE!
HAPPY BIRFDAY TOOO MEEEE!
HOW OLD AM I NOW?
HOW OLD AM I NOW?
HOW OLD AM I NOW?
...
where's my carvelie???
mmmmm, ice cream cake. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | :) | | Time: | 01:01 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/mice/nerdy.gif) accomplished |
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| Things are falling into place.
I am happy.
This feels nice.
Tiring, but still nice.
work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work
This is all life is...but I'm more than happy to do it now. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 07:19 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/mice/angry.gif) aggravated |
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| It's funny how some people try to pull the wool over your eyes.
Certain things just are not acceptable.
Other things have not been forgotten.
My blood still boils at the thought. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I just recived an email from my friends cousin.
In the email, this cousin informed me my friend had died.
I spoke to my friend the day she died, which makes it hurt more, i think.
She told me she had gone out drinking w/ her b/f the night before and she felt like shit. She was going to leave work early.
I made a few jokes, made her laugh...and that was it.
That was the last time i spoke to her.
I kinda knew something was up when she didn't come online the rest of the week.
We spoke everyday. Bullshit about Maury and paternity tests and how stupid those people are. How annoying her boss is, and how great tomato and cheddar soup is. Her new nickname for me was skanksivity. Mine for her (although not new) was spicie.
I never thought I would never talk to her again.
We were making plans to hang out so I could finally meet her son. Her little boy is going to grow up without her.
I am beside myself.
R.I.P. KRISTY | | comments: Leave a comment |
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